Richard Simmons

If Richard Simmons released a work-out video with todays current music, would it be called Sweatin' to the Newdies?

Relationships

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes its better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together.
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Pregnant

Why is it when your girlfriend gets pregnant, they rub her belly and says congrats and no one rubs your dick and says good job?

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I ran into my ex the other day and it was great! But it dented the hell out of my car.

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Garage Sales

stoopid garage sales never have garages for sale?

Running

I am getting in shape. Unfortunately that shape is round... off to work out again. Still sore from the runs yesterday. Oh I mean my running yesterday. :O

Smart Ass

I am usually a smart ass, but I haven't been feeling well so I've just been an ass. I'm like a transformer. I shall be knownst as Optimus Douchebag.

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Calling In

Calling in healthy today.

Goofy & Funny T Shirts

Saturday

I was unaware that Saturday still had an 8:00 am! I am not impressed. I've had better.
Goofy & Funny Shirts

Learn From Your Mistakes?

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people get married more than once?

Park & Ride

Park & Ride... very misleading

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Fuck Me

Fuck me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?

More Funny Sayings!

Nice

If you don't have anything nice to say, sit next to me.

Makeup Sex

Makeup sex is almost worth fighting for, but not quite!

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Pot

Found the pot at the end of the rainbow. Too bad the leprechaun already smoked it.

Dishwasher

I think loading a dishwasher means getting my wife drunk.

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Quickie

Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?"

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Censor

Facebook is so fun for a creative wacko like me. I don't get censored every three seconds like I do in public places... "Sir put your pants back on", "Sir, you can't smoke that in here", "EXCUSE ME, I didn't ask to see that!", "You can't call the President a Pig F*&%$#!", "Sir, I don't think that lady wants to sh...ow her boobies!", "Oh god! Stop peeing on that!", blah blah, censor censor

Funniest Shirts on the Planet!

Mario

I wish I was one of the Mario Brothers right now. Then I could eat shrooms and collect coins all day long. That wood be fantrabulous!!!

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Baked

I am heading back outside to get more baked. I wish the sun was out today.

Funniest Shirts On The Planet

Busy

I am busier than an Amsterdam hooker on a f#$% for free Friday! But that's good! I think.

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Show

My girl always laughs during sex... no matter what show she is watching.

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Condoms

Condoms, the lifeguards of the gene pool.

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Bitch

If I'm a bitch, you're probably the reason.