Welcome to Gooftees Funny Blog

Here you will find a collection of funny jokes, statuses and some of our everyday evil Shenanigans!

Search This Blog

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Britches

Britches before hose. Seriously, I wear pants, not pantyhose.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Weed

Weed - What are we fighting for anyway? Who cares, everyone shares!
http://www.gooftees.com/

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Advice

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Spoken to your Wife?

If you haven't spoken to your wife or girlfriend in years you should be commended. Cuz it is very polite that you didn't interrupt her.

www.gooftees.com

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

For Sale

Why do they say things are on sale and not, reduced sale price. Isn't everything you can buy "On Sale"? Just different prices?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Sniffing

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Funny Shirts

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fighting for Peace

Fighting for peace is light screwing for virginity!

www.gooftees.com 

Monday, September 6, 2010

Penis Enlargement

If I bought and used all the penis enlargement drugs I get emailed my penis would have to go through rehab to get off the junk. if it didn't O.D. first.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Viagra

Someone dumped viagra in the water softner because our water has been hard for days!

Funny Bad Ass T Shirts

Monday, August 30, 2010

Monday

Monday, making one seventh of my life a living hell!

Funny Bad Ass T Shirts

Saturday, August 28, 2010

My Ex

I miss my ex so much, it's almost as bad as having her around.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Your Sex is on Fire

Your Sex Is On Fire. If that's true, you may wanna get the checked out. Good song though.

http://www.gooftees.com

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Ugly

I may be ugly, but at least I ain't got no money!

http://www.gooftees.com/


Sunday, August 22, 2010

What Grandpa told me

I'll never forget what my grandpa told me..... hmmm give me a minute, I'll think of it. hehe

When I was young... we used to have to walk 5 miles just to get a condom. Through 5 feet of snow, up hill both ways, wolves nipping at our feet, no shoes or socks, and in the dark without a flashlight. And we did all of this with a boner. hahahaha i don't care who you are that's funny right there.

More Funny Shirts & Sayings Here

Friday, August 20, 2010

Last Night

Man last nite was rough... I got home at 2 with a 10 and woke up at 10 with a 2.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hump Day

Yay, it's HUMP DAY! Oh and look it's Wednesday too!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Whopper

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Blondes

If blondes have more fun, do they really know it?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Storming

When it's raining and it's storming the beer in the fridge needs pouring.

Funny Shirts with Funny Sayings!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Work

Walk fast and look worried, that's how you work hard.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Getting you Drunk!

I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Advice

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Tire

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

http://www.gooftees.com/

Monday, August 2, 2010

Heaven!

I am in Heaven!!!! You know if it were run by Hitler.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Country Song

I am thinking about releasing a country Album, "I returned drunk from playing redneck horseshoes and hunting all day when I decided to kiss my sweetie with my fist after she ran my drunk, three legged dog over with her truck shortly after she got out of prison and burned down my momma's house."

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Transformer

If I were a transformer, I would be known as Optimus Procrasterbator.

Funny Shirts

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fat Sack

I need a fat sack! It's not what you think though. I want one full of money! Then I can buy weed with it.

http://www.gooftees.com/

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

iTampon

iTampon...there's and applicator for that.


http://www.gooftees.com/

Monday, July 26, 2010

WOW

WOW

Laughs during Sex

My girl always laughs during sex... no matter what show she is watching.

These are FUNNY SHIRTS!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Looking like a fool

Looking like a fool with his genitals draggin on the ground. What? That isn't how it goes? MY BAD. Wish someone would have told me before I executed this.

OMG check it out - so funny!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Our Love

Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

Funny Shirts & Sayings

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Oh Man

oh man, I think I just googled myself.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife was seeing


another man, so he hired the famous

Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and

report any activities while he was gone.



A few days later, he received this report:



MOST HONORABLE SIR:



YOU LEAVE HOUSE

I WATCH HOUSE

HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.

HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.

HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.

I LOOK IN WINDOW.

HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.

HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.

HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.

I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.

I NOT SEE.



NO FEE,

CHEN LEE.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Chippendales

I would like to think that Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley are having a dance off right about now. I bet they both get to be Chippendales this time.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Monday

Monday is French for kick groin repeatedly.

http://www.gooftees.com/

Friday, July 9, 2010

Switch Positions

"Darling" says a husband to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Coke & Pepsi

Coke and Pepsi - penises and vagina's... despite the differences your mom thinks they taste the same.

Funny Shirts Click Here!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Middle Aged

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

http://www.gooftees.com/

Monday, July 5, 2010

Boobs

A designer tried to develop a bra that stops women's boobs from bouncing up and down when running and doesn't show nipples when wet. Don't worry, we killed that homo!

Goofy & Funny T Shirts

Friday, July 2, 2010

Undressing You

I may not be undressing you with my yes, I might be Adding clothes.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

You're awesome! You should go outside and play... hide and go fuck yourself!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Richard Simmons

If Richard Simmons released a work-out video with todays current music, would it be called Sweatin' to the Newdies?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Relationships

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes its better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together.
http://www.gooftees.com/

Monday, June 28, 2010

Pregnant

Why is it when your girlfriend gets pregnant, they rub her belly and says congrats and no one rubs your dick and says good job?

http://www.gooftees.com/

Friday, June 25, 2010

I ran into my ex the other day and it was great! But it dented the hell out of my car.

http://www.gooftees.com/

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Garage Sales

stoopid garage sales never have garages for sale?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Running

I am getting in shape. Unfortunately that shape is round... off to work out again. Still sore from the runs yesterday. Oh I mean my running yesterday. :O

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Smart Ass

I am usually a smart ass, but I haven't been feeling well so I've just been an ass. I'm like a transformer. I shall be knownst as Optimus Douchebag.

http://www.gooftees.com/

Monday, June 21, 2010

Calling In

Calling in healthy today.

Goofy & Funny T Shirts

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Saturday

I was unaware that Saturday still had an 8:00 am! I am not impressed. I've had better.
Goofy & Funny Shirts

Friday, June 18, 2010

Learn From Your Mistakes?

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people get married more than once?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Park & Ride

Park & Ride... very misleading

http://www.gooftees.com/

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Fuck Me

Fuck me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?

More Funny Sayings!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Nice

If you don't have anything nice to say, sit next to me.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Makeup Sex

Makeup sex is almost worth fighting for, but not quite!

http://www.gooftees.com/

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Pot

Found the pot at the end of the rainbow. Too bad the leprechaun already smoked it.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Dishwasher

I think loading a dishwasher means getting my wife drunk.

More Funny Shirts Here!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Quickie

Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?"

http://www.gooftees.com/

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Censor

Facebook is so fun for a creative wacko like me. I don't get censored every three seconds like I do in public places... "Sir put your pants back on", "Sir, you can't smoke that in here", "EXCUSE ME, I didn't ask to see that!", "You can't call the President a Pig F*&%$#!", "Sir, I don't think that lady wants to sh...ow her boobies!", "Oh god! Stop peeing on that!", blah blah, censor censor

Funniest Shirts on the Planet!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Mario

I wish I was one of the Mario Brothers right now. Then I could eat shrooms and collect coins all day long. That wood be fantrabulous!!!

http://www.gooftees.com/

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Baked

I am heading back outside to get more baked. I wish the sun was out today.

Funniest Shirts On The Planet

Friday, June 4, 2010

Busy

I am busier than an Amsterdam hooker on a f#$% for free Friday! But that's good! I think.

http://www.gooftees.com/

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Show

My girl always laughs during sex... no matter what show she is watching.

http://www.gooftees.com/

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Condoms

Condoms, the lifeguards of the gene pool.

http://www.gooftees.com/

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Bitch

If I'm a bitch, you're probably the reason.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Coke

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

www.gooftees.com

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Love

Love is just like porn, minus all the stuff that makes porn cool.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Donkey

I need a Donkey for my Farm Town so I ain't the only ass on the farm!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Pie

This pie is going straight to my penis. Great, just what I need, a great big fat penis.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Promotion

Congratulations on your promotion.


Before you go...


Would you like to take this knife out of my back?


You'll probably need it again.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Golden Rule

I believe in the "Golden Rule" - Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. But DAMN I ain't giving no BJ's.

http://www.gooftees.com/

Friday, May 21, 2010

Junk

Does anyone else's junk hit the toilet water? SUCKS!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Speed Limit?

What's the speed limit of sex?

68; at 69 you have to turn around.
 
http://www.gooftees.com/

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Doctor

A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Last night

I molested myself last night. I said no stop, but I just wouldn't listen.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Bar Whore

So these three guys walk into a bar... I forgot the joke, but your mother's whore!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Friday!

Dear Friday, I wuv you sooo much and I wood totally do you if you were a chick and not just a day. I wuv you sooo much in fact that I wood totally be willing to swap positions whenever you want... you know, I do the dishes and you watch the game kinda thing. Spank you Friday for being GREAT! P.S. bomchickawowow ♥

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Alcohol


Dear John, (aka Alcohol)  I love you but wish you were nicer to my kidneys and liver.  They are very important to me and I think if you gave them a chance you would like them too.  I think you should make an effort to change your ways and be much friendlier to my body.  Why can't we all just get along???
Sincerely,
Me
P.S. You make everything purdy and I like that about you.

Fishing Opener This Weekend

Sperm Worm Fishing?????

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Try this out for FUN!

Pick the month you were born:

January-------I Took A Bath With
February------I Bumped Uglies With
March----------I Bitch Slapped
April------------I Licked
May------------I Stabbed
June-----------I Dry Humped
July------------I Took a Poop On
August--------I Rubbed My Ass Against
September----I Brushed My Teeth With
October-------I Groped
November-----I Pissed On
December-----I Licked

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a Toaster
2-------a Puppy
3-------a Smelly Fish
4-------a Grapefruit
5-------my Dingaling
6-------a Nimfo
7-------my Laptop
8-------a Chicken
9-------my Friends Beaver
10-------my Cousins Uncles Brother In Law
11-------my Drug Dealer
12-------a Cell Phone
13-------my Sharona
14-------a Kitty Cat
15-------a Pig
16-------a Sheep
17-------a Mouse
18-------a Ten Foot Pole
19------- a Tuna Can
20-------a Dog Whistle
21-------a Midget
22-------a Crazy Cracka
23-------a Horseshoe
24-------a Nut
25-------a Crack Head
26-------my Doctor
27-------my Babysitter
28-------my Genitals
29-------a Nudist
30-------your Daddy
31-------your Mom

What is the last number of the year you were born:
1--------- Behind The Drug Store
2 --------- In A Dumpster
3 --------- In The Shitter
4 --------- While Streaking
5 --------- While Running From The Police
6 --------- After Rubbing Against Kittens
7 --------- Under The Table
8---------- On Top Of The Bar
9 -------- On The Back Seat
0 -------- At The Mall

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White---------because I Fucking Love Coloring!
Black---------because When I Think About You I Touch Myself.
Pink-----------because I'm a Hot Piece of Ass.
Red-----------because My Imaginary Friends Told Me To.
Blue-----------because I Do What I Want!
Green---------because Mt Therapist Won't Even Help Me Anymore.
Purple---------because I'm A Fucking Rock Star!
Gray----------because Everyone Wants to Touch My Junk.
Yellow---------because I Are Nucking Futs!
Orange--------because FUCK YOU, That's Why.
Brown---------because I Love To Hump Things.
Other----------because I'm a Vampire Bitches!
None----------because I can't control my bladder!

Now type out or and copy and paste the sentence you made. Fun to post to Facebook, etc!!!